I'm so fucking centered right now
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
