i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
