i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
