don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
