I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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