living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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