WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
