Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
