So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
