You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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