Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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