Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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