Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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