He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
