I want to walk on stilts...naked
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
