I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
