I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
