That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
