p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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