So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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