one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
