i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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