you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
