Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
