Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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