best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
