Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
