Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
