Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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