Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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