Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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