just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize