rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
