I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
