I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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