if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
its liver damage thursday
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