i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
