The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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