I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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