I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
