I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
