my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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