I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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