i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
