trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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