Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
