yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
