go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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