I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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