grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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