Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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