I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
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you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize