3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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