I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
