i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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